


I'm Fine

by Valkyrian_Medicus



Category: Full House (US), Fuller House
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, graphic descriptions mental illness, i am bad at tagging, i might add fluff, it just might take a bit, slow burn most likely, some flush, we will get them together, we will see how this goes, why do you all still let me type
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-04-30 21:16:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14505651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valkyrian_Medicus/pseuds/Valkyrian_Medicus
Summary: Michelle isn't  handling life well. She doesn't feel much or she feels to much. Her dreams don't really feel like something she wants anymore. Luckily her boss steps in and calls her family. We all know the Tanner's will do there best to help Michelle learn how to help herself. Along the way maybe someone else will be there to help her to...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I was inspired by https://archiveofourown.org/users/KendraLynora/pseuds/KendraLynora to write this. It started with a random post on tumblr. The next thing I know she has written a fanfic I am addicted to and so I thought why not. I'll try to write one to. If you haven't read her fic yet you should. It is awesome. I had my friend edit it but don't be surprised if we forgot stuff and I am sorry.

Sitting in the break-room with my bribery, aka the caramel frappe from Starbucks, I am trying to figure out why I am even here. My boss is in her office running through designs for a new fashion line we are issuing in the fall. The other assistants are scurrying around trying to pull together last-minute fabrics, that most likely won’t even be used. And here I am sitting, staring at half melted sugar foam in a plastic cup not caring about any of it.

This is not what I want anymore. It’s all i can think about; all I have been thinking about for a while now. I can't remember why this life was ever something I dreamed of. I am trying to drum up the same wonder and elation I used to feel whenever a color and pattern combination clicked in all the right ways. The lines on a dress, the flow of a skirt and the cut of a shirt mean less to nothing to me and I really can't recall when last I was excited to come to work. I can't really remember when I was happy to get out of bed. I get brief flashes of happiness, but they drift away as soon as they come. They have been coming less and less frequently. The part of me that knows that these feelings of listless, hopeless nothing are not normal is afraid of what will happen when I don't feel any sort of joy at all.

I can't talk to my sisters about this. Whenever I do get the energy to call home or pick up the phone when they call me all I hear about is DJ going on about my nephews and how much better she understands our dad. Stephanie jokes about being a more badass Uncle Jesse and laughing about Kimmy being an inferior version of Uncle Joey. They are all working so hard and making lives they are proud of. More importantly they are always going on about how proud they are of their baby sister living her dreams.

Every conversation they tell me just how amazing I am and how supportive they are and all I want to do is scream. Scream into the void about how angry I am. Angry at a world that takes everything from you. A world that makes you choose between your dreams and having an actual human connection with another person. Not just angry but sad. So sad my chest aches. Its like no matter how many times I cry myself to sleep at night the ache doesn't go away. It just gets worse and I am left feeling exhausted and lonely. SO very lonely.

Sighing I stand up and throw away today's bribery from the lesser minions as my boss calls them. Thy treat our boss ass a goddess that must be worshiped which she gets a kick out of and me as the high priestess who whispers into her ear. She loves the high priestess metaphor even more, or at least she prefers that then the truth. I am the go between her and the rest of the peasants. She once used that exact word to describe them. I just looked at her and we didn't stop laughing for a good twenty minutes. If only the others had any clue what kind of person our boss really is.

She seems all aloof, but she cares so much about people. She has built an empire the right way. She makes sure wages are as fair as they can be. Never allows any of her clothes to be produce in sweat shops and nothing she uses or anyone she partners with are allowed to abuse animals. Not to mention all the women's shelters and domestic violence survivor charities she not only donates to but visits. All the others see is her ability to pull together an outfit. I am the lucky one who gets to see my mentor's heart of rose gold.

Peasants scurry as I walk to her den. She literally has a sign that says Dragon's Lair on the door. Yes, I am the one who got it for her, but that is beside the point. Opening the door is like opening a portal from typical New York to some kind of Zen monastery. Complete with incenses burning in the corner. There is music playing from the laptop sitting on the same table as the incense. Kalinda, my boss, is sitting on a giant fluffy yellow pillow with papers spread out all over the floor in front of her. I shake my head at the tiny androgynous woman who's personality could fill up a stadium and sit on my own pillow.

"What you thinkin' dude?" I smile as a throaty chuckle and head shake meets my greeting.

"One day Mikela you will throw sass at the wrong person with your 'Dude' everything." Kalinda's raspy voice responds without answering my question. Her voice has the same mother like amusement I have heard Aunt Becky use on the twins when chastising them for something she is more mad then irritated about.

"And one day you will call me by my actual name." I can't help but parry cheekily. I find it amusing to sass the older woman. If for no other reason, then I know if anyone else tried they would be black listed. I like to think that my sense of humor is similar to her own.

"And why would I ever call you by Michelle when you are clearly meant to be a Mikela?" She grins back, showing off a dimple.

I can only shake my head and grin back before focusing on the papers in front of us. As much as I would prefer our banter instead of looking at drawings that while beautiful, no longer held the same fluttery feelings of excitement we still needed to get work done. The sooner we get it done, the sooner I can go home and stare at my ceiling.

~*~*~*~

 

Laying in bed my body is exhausted, but my mind feels like its going to explode. Everything is too much and not enough. I don’t understand why I feel this way. My childhood isn't some tragic tale of neglect and abuse. Between my almost pathologically supportive father, my sisters, Aunt Becky, Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey I have always felt loved. Not to mention the twins who act more little brothers then cousins. I have always had family surrounding me making sure I knew I was a strong, intelligent woman who could do anything she put her mind to.

So why do I spend my nights unable to sleep. I just stare at the ceiling until my alarm goes off. If I do manage to slip in unconscious I wake up easily. My dreams are more nightmares then actual dreams. All of them center around not being good enough and letting everyone down. All i see is disappoint in my family and mentor’s eyes as they realize all their belief in me was for nothing. That I am nothing. All their support wasted on a spoiled little girl who begged to be allowed to go to school and follow her dreams. Dreams she doesn't even believe in any more. Dreams she wants even less then the stuff animals she sued to sleep with.

The numbers are taunting me; telling me I have three hours before I even to be at work. Three hours I should be sleeping. I could get up and clean or eat something. I'm not quite sure when I last washed a dish or ate something not filled with sugar and caffeine or sipped through a straw. I just can't seem to draw up the energy to make my body move. All the energy that should be in my body is too busy being used in my brain to run the thoughts that won’t turn off.

I can finally feel myself about to drift off for hopefully an hour of sleep when I hear a noise near my door. I keep my eyes closed, not really caring if some robber or serial killer was out there. I am just too tired to try. I hear the door open and simply wait, not even my fight or flight reflexes kicking in. The sound of a small gasp reaches my ears and Oh no. No no no no no. I know that voice.

I can feel a part of the bed dip as one of the last people I ever wanted to see me like this sits next to me. A warm hand rests on my cool cheek. "Michelle? What is going on? Everything is a mess and you...you look less like my little sister and more like a corpse?" Stephanie whispers, clearly trying for humor even though the alarm and devastation is clear in her voice at what I know I look like.

"Hey Steph. What are you doing out in my neck of the woods?" I try weakly. Steph and I have always used humor as a defense mechanism, even when tears are falling down our cheeks.

"Oh you know, was missing my baby sister who always seems too busy to answer her phone anymore." I can hear the reprimand not just in the words, but in her voice. I can also hear the disappointment which just cuts into me and makes my chest ache. Her next words make it even worse. " That and I got a random call from your boss saying 'There is something wrong with my Mikela, she is only one of the minions who has any talent. The rest are peasants, unworthy of my special teaching.'" A detached pat of myself is very impressed with her impersonation. A bigger part of me wonders how bad I have been if she felt the need to call my sister herself. "Oh, course I was like 'Whoa lady wrong number I don't know any Mikela.' To which she informed me that the rest of the unenlightened call her Michelle."

I choke on a laugh at my boss' antics. Even worried she pulls the name game. I also feel more tears fall as I realize how worried she must have been. "Yeah she would have made an excuse why she couldn't use my real name. But Steph I'm fine. " I protest. The statement even sounds weak to me, as tears fall my face and I have yet to move let alone try and sit up.

"Oh sweetie, you're really not.." She whispers in the softest voice I have heard her use since we were kids. When I would have a nightmare and sharing a room she would always let me crawl in bed with her to sleep. Just like back when we were kids she lays next to me and pulls me into her arms. I feel that part of me that has been held together by push pins come undone. Eventually I fall asleep, tears running down my face and one of my big sisters watching over me.

~*~*~*~

 

I don't know how long I was asleep, but when I open swollen and achy eyes there is sunlight streaming through my window and blinding me. I force myself to move my exhausted and sore body of the bed and out of my room. I vaguely register that the wreck that my apartment had become is almost pristine. Continuing to move towards my kitchen where I hear movement I try not to stumble over my feet too badly. Just as I am about to call out Stephanie's name I stop and stare at the brunette woman standing in my kitchen instead of my sister.

"You are not Stephanir." I state dumbly as none other then Gia Mahan stands in front of me.

"You got that right Tiny." Gia is wearing the same smirk she would when we were all younger and she was over hanging out with Steph.

"I am taller then you dude." I glare halfheartedly as I lean on the wall runs along my living room and into my kitchen. "Where is Steph?"

"You will always be Tiny, Rugrat." She continues with that damn smirk, which the part of me that craves normal interaction appreciates. "She is finalizing things with your boss before we leave."

" WHAT!?! WAIT?!?! WHAT!?! Slow your roll. Leave? Leave where? And why are you here?" I sit down on a nearby chair very confused. I have not had enough coffee for this. I haven't even had coffee yet today, which means not enough coffee for this.

"She is taking you back home for a while. Try and help you get better or some shit like that." She replies in a casual tone. I can tell even in my current state of confusion and shock its forced. Like she is trying to be nonchalant about a more serious conversation that I didn't even know I had been having. I literally just asked random questions, called her short and used my dud catch phrase. Not that I will admit to having a catch phrase. "I am here because I had the miles, I am Middle Tanner's best friend and DJ couldn't. She did agree to watch my kiddo so I could be back up."

My head is spinning. Too many words. Too much everything. Everyone knows. Everyone is..."I'm fine." I whispers as I try and choke down the tears and panic.

Gia looks at me with eyes full of compassion. Eyes that are so much older then the one's I remember from my childhood. She carefully places a hand on my shoulder as she gets closer. "No Tiny, you're not."

For the second time in so many hours I feel that broken part of me break. I am sobbing into my sister's best friends shoulder. She is making those hushing sounds Aunt Becky would make when we were younger and needed more maternal comfort then Dad could give. I can't seem to stop. So I let Gia Mahan hold me as I cry, hoping for Stephanie to get back soon but dreading it at the same time.

~*~*~*~

 

I don't remember much of the rest of the day. Stephanie came back. I'm not sure if it was before or after Gia managed to convince me to move from the hard chair in the kitchen to my overstuffed couch in the living room and from there eventually my bed. I am fairly certain I was forced to change and shower. Not really sure how that went or how the two women managed it. For once my mind wasn't buzzing with a thousand thoughts. Everything was quiet and I was more than a little numb. I let myself be maneuvered and led around like the most well-trained puppy. Too tired to fight. Too cried out to care about much.

I know that they packed my bags. I know that they got me on a plane. I know that they got all the bags and me in a car. Whether that car was a taxi or one that one of them owned is a mystery I really don't care about at the moment. I am only able to stare blankly of the red door of my childhood home.

I can feel the emotions rushing back and I am not a fan. Especially since the overriding feeling is that I am about to throw up. On the other side of that door is my oldest sister, possibly her annoying best friend who might as well be another sister and...and I don't know how to face her. Stephanie is one thing, but DJ was always watching out for both of us. How am I supposed to face her how broken I feel? Especially when I don't have a reason for my brokenness.

Stephanie puts her hand on my shoulder and I can feel a little of my panic attack ebbing as she guides me to the door before opening it. She gently pushes me inside. The first thing I see is my oldest sisters' face. She is giving me that smile she would always give when we were younger and sick. She opens her arms and before I even know what I am doing I am falling into them. I clutch her to me as tears fall from my eyes.

"It's okay. Everything will be okay. You aren't fine, but you will be."

"You've become such a mom."

"I am told that happens when you become one." She is still giving me the same comforting smile as she pulls out of the hug only to take my hand and lead me to the couch. "You sit and rest. Stephanie will get your stuff settled. All the kids and KImmy will be home soon. Gia if you wanted to help Steph, I'm going to check on dinner."

Without argument, which is unlike either of the two women who have acted as my caretakers, the followed DJ's instructions. I know she is giving me a moment to gather myself before my nephews and the other kids get here and I have never been more grateful.

Leaning into soft cushions I allowed myself to soak in the familiar surroundings. This is the place I grew up. The place that I should feel the comfort of home. The place I should feel more happy then anger, more joy then sadness or listlessness. I don't feel that sense of belonging coming to place that no matter where I have lived I have always called home. I just feel more of the familiar exhaustion.


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so we have some POV changes in this chapter as everyone tries to help and deal with what is going on. Originally I was going to do Kimmy's POV to but couldn't figure out how to make it flow in this chapter. I would like to say I myself have both depression and anxiety so DJ's point of view on 'fixing' her sister are not my own just how I know some people to react to a loved one who starts acting the way Michelle is. I hope all yall on our Island enjoy. Shout out to our captain who has dubbed me first mate which is pretty cool. I still say she is wicked at Dialouge and I am in love with her story. Check my notes in the first chapter for the link. My computer wont let me add it at the moment. It also made my Skype crash when my friend and I were alomst done editing.

Gia's POV

Walking down the stairs with Steph we both have to pause at the same time. It is so disconcerting, so sad, to see the rugrat like this. She was always full of life and attitude when we were all younger. I respected that. I enjoyed that no matter what, she gave as good as she got. Even if she was years younger.

I feel Stephanie shaking slightly next to me. I move my hand to my best friends arm automatically. Understandably, Tanner has not been handling things well. She puts up a good front if she is anywhere she thinks Michelle can see her, but more than once I have heard her sobbing in a bathroom. I do what I can to let her know that I got her back, just like I did in high school. I make sure to watch over Tiny so she can get rest or regroup when it is needed.

Stephanie keeps asking how she could have missed how much pain her little sister is in. She feels so guilty that it took another person calling before she realized something was wrong. I don't know how to reassure her that this isn't on her. That Michelle clearly didn't want anyone to know or she would have reached out. I just try and be here for my best friend and her family as much as I can. Like they were there for me when I was that stupid kid, rebelling just to get attention. This family taught me how to be a better person. If not for meeting and befriending Stephanie I would have most likely died when I was still a teen with the path I was on. I certainly wouldn't know how to be the kind of parent my kid deserves.

Looking at my friend, who is clearly on the verge of tears at how broken her sister looks, I make a head motion to the bathroom. She gives me a grateful smile and disappears back upstairs. I walk to where a defeated looking Michelle is almost curled into herself siting in the very corner of the couch. Her eyes are closed and she is so still I can barely tell if she is breathing. I simply sit down on the other side. Making sure to give her space, but ready should she need me.

She really is such a shadow of the smiling girl in the pictures her sisters have on display of her. None of her clothes fit like they should. They drape off of her as if she is nothing more than a child playing dress up. Her face is make up free and holds such exhaustion, yet still heartbreakingly beautiful. The women of this family always did have good genes. It's not fair really. Even looking like the epitome of rock bottom she still looks gorgeous. Totally unfair.

"See something you like?" A tired voice asks, causing me to jump slightly. Really glad her eyes are still closed so she can't see how much she was able to make me jolt by suddenly talking. After the initial shock wears of I can't help but let out a startled laugh. Emotionally shattered and physically drained and still the girl can't help with the sass.

"Oh, you know how it is Tiny, gotta take in the art while I can. Especially when said art is finally quiet enough that I can notice how beautiful it is." I respond with a combination of flirt and attitude of my own. Hoping to get some kind of emotion out of her, but at the same time trying not to trigger another crying fit. I still haven't figured out what triggers the tears or conversely what makes her shut down and seem so numb.

"I'm still taller then you." I can't help but smile at the mildly defensive tone. Green eyes open to give me a halfhearted glare to which I respond with a winning smile.

"You may have the physical height on me, " I concede the point with fake aggravation before giving a sly smile and delivering my rebuttal, "but not the years or the larger than life personality." I grin thinking I have one.

She just raises an eyebrow and sits up slightly in challenge. The only real sign of life I have seen in her the last couple days. I am both thrilled I am able to bring it out and sad that Stephanie isn't here to see it as well. I know how much she needs to see at least some part of the little sister she has always known. All attitude and spirit. " You realize that not only did you admit I was right but you also called yourself an obnoxious old lady?" I open my mouth before closing it again. I can't help but squint at her as I realize that I don't have a good come back for that.

"She's got you there Gia." I here from behind me as the oldest tanner sister walks in. I just glare at her with a slight pout on my face to which Michelle gives me a triumphant smile reminiscent of the girl we all knew.

"I admit to nothing." I say dramatically as DJ comes around the back of the couch and places her hands on her baby sister's shoulders. I even fold my arms and fall back into my corner as if I am still that teenage girl who hated to lose.

Both women give me identical amused looks. DJ also mouths 'thank you' to me. We may not always like each other, but with everything going on right now I would like to think she knows I have this families' back. Just like they did mine once upon a time. I simply roll my eyes and give her a discreet nod.

"On that oh so mature note, Michelle why don't you wash up. The kids will be home any minute and dinner will be ready soon. The boys have missed their Aunt SeaShell." I can't help the slow grin that spreads over my lips. That nickname is just too good.

"Aunt SeaShell?" I can't help but laugh out as I am glared at by green eyes that look more alert then they have in days. I know that it is mostly a front. Trying to look stronger then she is. Getting ready to face nephews she doesn't want to disappoint. Doesn't mean I am not happy to see a little life, little more feist and fight then was there before. "Oh Tiny. You are never living this down."

"I will hurt you." She growls slightly, making no move to get up.

"Suurree you will Tiny SeaShell. Sure you will." I laugh more as she just gives me another glare before forcing herself to stand up and leave to do as the oldest Tanner said.

Once she is gone DJ plops into her spot with an exhausted sigh before rolling her head and looking over at me. "Thank you." She says for the second time in as many minutes. I know she is talking about everything. I want to tell her she doesn't have to thank me, but I know that that will just start a whole thing. A whole thing that neither of us want to deal with right now. Not when the kids are going to be here. I have missed my kiddo the last couple days while I helped Stephanie get Michelle here and don't want to be in a bad mood from arguing with DJ when I see her. I simply nod and allow myself to sink into the couch. Allowing the calm before the storm that is five noisy kids and a Kimmy Gibbler to descend on the Tanner house hold in search of food.

~*~*~*~

DJ POV

Michelle is at the other side of the table seeming more aware an animated then I have seen her since Stephanie and Gia had brought her home. She is talking to Max about some science thing I don’t think she quite understands but is great at pretending she does. Not surprising with how well she has been pretending she is fine for who knows how long.  I am not so much paying attention to the conversation as I am trying to find the chink in the armor we had all missed until the telephone call.

Watching her now I can see how she was able to keep us in the dark. Somewhere over the years my baby sister went from someone who couldn’t tell a lie to someone who could hide better then batman. Gone is the little girl who was barely able to hide the fact I had snuck her in the movies and her place is this grown woman who has been suffering in silence with a smile. I just wish I knew what the cause was so I can fix it. I am a vet, I fix animals all the time, it shouldn’t be that hard to figure out the cause of Michelle’s distress and make it better.

I feel a kick to my shin and startle at the slight pain it causes. Luckily no one seems to have noticed, caught up in their own conversations as they are. I turn my head to the reason that I will more then likely have a bruise. Steph is glaring at me and shaking her head. I widen my eyes in a ‘what did I do’ gesture. She gives me an eyeroll and a look that so clearly says ‘you know exactly what you did’.  I roll my own eyes in a show of semi surrender. This conversation isn’t over, but for now I will let her think she won. I turn away from her and to my youngest sitting between us to see if he needs any help and to make sure he is actually eating and not just playing with his food.

My mind goes back to my previous thoughts on how to help my baby sister. Even with how content and normal she seems right now, I can’t get the image of how destroyed she was when she came through the front door out of my head. Steph’s broken voice as she called me to report her findings, the pictures she sent of our immaculate baby sister’s hazmat suit filthy apartment. I don’t know what happened to cause our Michelle to spiral like she has but I will find out and I will fix it. A good big sister helps and protects their younger siblings. I have clearly been remiss in my duties and will make sure to start making everything right. As soon as dinner and the dishes are done.

I am still only half paying attention to my son as everyone starts to get up from the table and putting their dishes in the sink to be washed. Gia and Rocki are thanking us for having them. Rocki is saying goodbye to Ramona and Jackson while Gia pulls Michelle to the side for a second. She is whispering something that I know I am not meant to, but desperately want to hear. A slight sheen comes to Michelle’s green eyes but she fights it off as she nods at what Gia is saying and then hugs her. She hugs her like a life line. Like the life line I know the woman has been to both my sisters the last few days.

I never thought I would even think these words, but I am so thankful for Gia. She has been able to at least bring the snark out of my baby sister occasionally. Which has to be a sign that as broken as Michelle is, she isn’t too broken to fix. Not only has she been great with Michelle but she has been there for Stephanie while I have been stuck here. If it wasn’t for her I don’t think either of them would have been able to get here. I love Steph, she is one of the strongest people I know, but seeing Michelle like she was through the door killed me, I can’t imagine how Stephanie has held up considering I know she saw her much worse.

Jackson and Max pull Michelle away from Gia and to the living room. Gia gives Stephanie a hug and me a nod and guides her daughter out of the house. Kimmy is on the phone talking to who even knows about some kind of party planning I’m sure. Tommy has already toddled off to the living room to play with his big brother’s and Ramona. Peaking through the kitchen door I see that the kids have Michelle surrounded, talking, joking and laughing together. I pretend not to notice the slight exhaustion to Michelle’s eyes. I turn away to head to the sink and run right into Stephanie who is once again glaring at me.

“What? I know she is tired from her flight but being surrounded by the kids is good for her. Family fixes everything and her being with them will help fix whatever it is broken in our baby sister.”

~*~*~*~

Stephanie’s POV

I had been watching the way that DJ and Michelle had been interacting since I came down from pulling myself together earlier. Or rather I had been watching their lack of interaction. Not for lack of trying on my younger sister’s part. Michelle would reach out tentatively for DJ and after an initial positive response from DJ, the later would divert the former’s attention to someone or something else and back away. It was like she was trying to be there but didn’t know how exactly she was supposed to. Not in this situation where she wasn’t sure what kind of comfort to provide and her oldest sister/mama bear tendencies were acting all screwy.  It was driving me crazy, this wishy washy I will make everything better let me hug you, syke just kidding, here play with this cute nephew.

Watching her lurk in the door way now as the kids drag a clearly exhausted Michelle away I have had enough. Older sister or not this bullshit ends right now. Walking behind her she turns almost right into me. A look of surprise that I am there takes over her face before she is instantly defensive.

“What? I know she is tired from her flight but being surrounded by the kids is good for her. Family fixes everything and her being with them will help fix whatever it is broken in our baby sister.” I can feel my blood pressure rise in anger as well as my mouth drop in shock.

“Are you kidding me right now?!? Our baby sister may not be fine, but she isn’t broken either. Whatever is going on with her she needs our support yes, but support doesn’t mean smothering her with love when she clearly needs a moment to process simply being back home.” I increase my glare as DJ starts to open her mouth to protest. “It certainly doesn’t mean avoiding her every time she does reach out for said love whenever she reaches out.”

I am trying very hard not to raise my voice so not to alert anyone in the living room, or Kimmy on the phone, to what is going on. DJ for her part at least looks semi ashamed for avoiding our sister. “I don’t know how to fix her. How am I supposed to talk to her when I don’t know how to make her better?” The tears in her eyes at least calms some of the rage her words evoke, but not by much.

“By not trying to fix her.” I want to shake her until she gets the words that are coming out of my mouth. “Yes, she is not fine, but not fine does not mean broken. She doesn’t need to be fixed. She just needs to learn how to cope.” I feel like pulling my hair out, better yet I feel like pulling DJ’s hair out. “I have been talking to one of my therapist friends from London. She says that from what I have described it sounds like Michelle is suffering from depression. Most likely she is just having a severe episode brought on by some kind of stress. There is a very real chance that we just brushed off similar episodes in the past because they just weren’t that severe.”

Now DJ is looking at me like I am the crazy one. “Okay sure, Michelle could be depressed. That doesn’t explain why she is depressed or how we fix it.”

“That is what I am trying to tell you. There is nothing to fix. It is just something that happens in some people’s heads. She could have a chemical imbalance in her brain. She doesn’t need us to fix her. She just needs ways to cope with the high and lows and for us to support her.” I am definitely going to pull her hair out. I don’t understand how she can’t grasp this concept. Our baby sister needs our support, love and understanding. Not to be fucking fixed. Knowing that nothing I say is going to make things better I just turn away and walk into the living room. I may not be able to get through to my oldest sister, but I can go and help my youngest sister escape for some alone time. My friend from London said it was important to make sure to give her alone time without feeling alone. I just hope I am doing this right.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So while the first part of this was glanced over while me and one of my best friends were at work, brought my laptop to work today, it is not really edited. I hope you enjoy this update. It came from the bad days and good days happen. she has had a lot of bad days and this was one of them. I just wanted to give her a little bit of the good she hadn't felt for a while. Luckily Gia helped me out with that.

Water cascades down my body. I can feel all the muscles that had tensed from my forced family time finally relax. For the first time since I washed up for dinner I can breathe. I was not about to let any of the kids see me break. They have already been through so much, losing their dad and everything, I won’t make them deal with an aunt who cries for no reason. After the way DJ pulled away every time I tried to reach out, I’m not quite comfortable with her seeing me cry either.

At least I still have Steph. I don’t know about Kimmy. I haven’t really gotten to interact with her much since coming home. She was working when I got here and between dinner and more work over the phone…I don’t really know what she thinks of everything. Probably the same thing DJ seems to think. I’m not worth the time to understand. That I need to be fixed. Maybe she’s right. I am so very clearly broken.

Stephanie doesn’t act like I’m a broken toy. She distracted the kids, so I could escape and decompress. She keeps saving me. Her and Gia pulled me from wasting away in my apartment. Away from the place where I kept drowning in how unhappy I was, how much of a disappointment I feel like for no longer feeling anything towards my dream job. The part of me that could still feel hope, had hoped so hard that being here would magically make me feel better. I don’t feel better. I feel worse, more drained. More of a burden to my family. Now I am here I wish I could go back to hiding in my hole away from everyone.

I hate this. I prefer the numbness of the plane ride. At least then I could ignore everything around me, especially my own existence. I don’t particularly care for my own heart beat right now. I can feel it pounding throughout my body as I continue to let the too hot water flow over my skin. It reminds me I’m alive. Not something I want right now. Of course, feeling like this makes me feel guilty.  My nephews would clearly be hurt if I go by how happy they were to see me. Steph would be devastated thinking she did something wrong, that she should have noticed sooner, of the snippets of conversations I vaguely remember; her and Gia had, are anything to go by. DJ might secretly be glad that she wouldn’t have to waste energy trying to fix me. Not sure how the rest of the family would deal with it. I know they would be better off without me, but they want me in their life. I feel so guilty for wanting to not be here, but I feel equally guilty for the trouble my existence causes them.

Turning the water off, I wrap myself in a towel and walk to the bedroom. I am very thankful the room I am staying in is one of the few connected to a bathroom. It makes it easier to just walk to the bed and flop down, wet hair, towel and all. I stare at the ceiling trying to shut off the train of thought my mind is currently stuck on. I need something, anything else to think about. If I keep this up I might do something that will hurt the ones I care for.

 I force myself to summon the energy to pick up my phone. Hoping it will hold some distraction from my thoughts. Scrolling through my contacts I avoid all the minions’ numbers, because just no. I am not ready to text my boss yet. Knowing that I had failed her so badly that she called my sisters in order to make me better. I land on the most recently added number. Trying to figure out if I should text it. I put my phone done and stare at the ceiling some more. I shouldn’t text her. She was just being nice. She has a kid and a job and a life. It’s late, yes its only 6:58, but she has a kid who might need help with homework. She is Stephanie’s friend and probably only gave me her number because….holy shit my phone is buzzing. My phone is buzzing and its Gia. Gia is calling me, not just texting me, but calling me.

I only let my indecision go on for a little longer before I open and answer the phone.

“Hello?” I ask, knowing my voice sounds unsure. My heart is beating to fast and I can’t figure out why. It’s just Gia. Stephanie’s best friend. Just another person I grew up knowing.

“Hey Tiny Seashell,” Her voice is steady with the same note of teasing she has used with me since we were all kids. We aren’t kids anymore. It doesn’t quite feel like the same kind of teasing as back then.

“I’m still taller then you.” I respond automatically. My body had tensed back up when the shower ended. Now I can feel myself relax again. Relax into the familiar banter that allows my brain to slow down, that allows me to just be.

“And I am still older then you.” I can almost see her sticking out her tongue as if to emphasize her point.

“There you go calling yourself old again.” I can’t help but tease back. It feels natural. Like I don’t have to try to hard. It’s second nature to give as good as I get with her and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. Honestly, I don’t care to try and figure it out. It’s nice to have something that feels good, even if only for a moment.

The laugh I receive cause my body to tingle in a way I am not used to. I don’t know what this strange new feeling is. I know it isn’t loathing. I now have wicked in my head. Great I am going to be singing that song for days. Her voice brings me back to the present and pulls me away from song lyric land, where it was wandering to. “Sorry, what was that. My brain wandered to a random song.”

“I was asking if you wanted to walk with me tomorrow. Steph and I have kept you pretty locked up the last few days. Figured it would be good to get out and go for a walk.” She repeats, not sounding the least upset by my wandering mind. “What song did you get stuck in your head?”

“Yeah that could be fun,” I answer after thinking about how nice it would be to escape the confines of four walls and feel the world around me. Maybe feeling less caged will help make all these thoughts, thoughts that take away my energy to even exist, and make them go away. “And I actually have ‘Loathing’ in my head.” I laugh at the song that just won’t leave. “What is this feeling? So sudden and new?” I sing the phrase that caused the song to pop in my head.

“I felt the moment, I laid eyes on you,” To my surprised delight she takes the next part. Her voice is beautiful.

“My pulse is rushing,” I sing back with a strange sensation, I think a true-blue smile, tugging at my lips.

“My head is reeling,” She once again takes the next line. This is really fun, actually. I sit up as I get more into it.

“My face is flushing.”

I grin as we come to the next part and we sing it together over the phone. “What is this feeling? Fervid as a flame, Does it have a name? Yes! Loathing, Unadulterated loathing”

“For your face,” I laugh this part out.

“Your voice.” I can hear the smirk as she sings that line.

“Your clothing.” I put all the sass in that one and she does laugh out loud before we once again join on the next part.

“Let's just say, I loathe it all! Every little trait, however small. Makes my very flesh begin to crawl, With simple utter loathing, There's a strange exhilaration, In such total detestation, It's so pure! So strong! Though I do admit it came on fast, Still I do believe that it can last, And I will be loathing, Loathing you, My whole life long!” We are both belting the last line before we are dissolving into giggles and can’t finish any more.

After I get my breathing back under control and can hear she has done the same I allow myself to just relax. I feel closer to content then I have in months just from something as simple as singing a song from wicked. “I love that song.” I don’t really think before I allow the words to slip out.

“I do to. I really want to take Rocki to see the play. It’s so much better than the movie The Wizard of Oz” She says, saying The Wizard of OZ with such disdain I can’t help but crack up. “It is!” She insists, most likely thinking my laughter is me disagreeing.

“Oh no, I totally agree. “I just don’t get to talk to a whole lot of others who share my opinion.” I can’t help but grin as I flop back down on the bed. “Dorthey didn’t impress me. Glinda was just too goody goody for my taste and don’t get me started on the rest of it.”

“Right!”

The next few hours pass in the most entertaining conversation I have had in along time. We keep going back and forth over movies and plays. The pros and cons to the music selections and costume designs. For the first time in moths I feel like myself. The next thing I know I am fighting off yawns and my phone is beeping at me that its about to die.

“As much as I hate to end this conversation, my phone is in the red and if you want me as a walking buddy tomorrow I am going to need some sleep.” I fight a yawn, but in the end, it wins. My jaw cracking in the process.

“Alas, you are right Tiny Seashell, it is getting late and I should probably make sure the delinquent is actually in bed and not watching more Disney rap battles on youtube,” I can hear the fondness in her voice when referring to her daughter.

“I am still taller than you,” I can’t help my smile at what is becoming our familiar banter. “What I am hearing is she is just like you.”

“In all the ways I wish she wasn’t,” Gia whispers “And all the ways I hope I was. She is so strong as well as fiercely independent. I can only hope I am doing good by her. Your family taught me so much about what it means to be good. I can only hope I am getting it right.”

“From what I hear you are doing just fine, “I make to assure her. I can only hope that I am giving her half of what she has given me over the last couple days, and especially tonight when it comes to comfort.

“Thank you Michelle.” She says my name almost like a whisper and it makes me smile. IT sounds different somehow than when others say it. “I will see you tomorrow for our walk Tiny.”

“I will see you tomorrow, “And just like that we hang up. I get up off the bed and plug my phone into the charger. I finally allow the towel I have been wrapped in all this time to drop and finish getting dressed for bed. I can still feel a faint smile pulling at my lips as I brush my hair before putting it into a loose braid for the night. Crawling under the covers my mind is quiet and I feel like I can actually sleep. My eyes are closed before my head hits the pillow. My dreams for once filled with song lyrics and laughter instead of anger and self-doubt.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is unedited. All mistakes are mine. I haven't had the time nor been in the right headspace to write. Life has been kicking my ass. That being said I woke up after only sleeping for a few hours and this happened. Its Kimmy and Michelle having a little talk. Kimmy tells her about having Asperger and such. I personally do not have Asperger and as far as I know I am not on the spectrum. That being said for those who are I hope I wrote this okay. I did some research before my depression hiatius to try and help me write Kimmy better. Again I am so sorry for disappearing on yall.

All I can do is groan as I lay my head against the kitchen counter and weight for the coffee to finish making itself. Its way too early and I very much do not enjoy this up with the sun thing that is happening right now. My body aches, my head feels like someone has slammed it in a door repeatedly and let’s not get started with how my throat feels. I don’t know what I swallowed while I was sleeping, but it feels like it fought all the way down. The cold countertop feels nice and cool and like the perfect place to take a nap right now. Or just sleep in general. I could totally sleep here. Gia would understand that I couldn’t make the walk I said I would go on with her today. Maybe? Hopefully?

“Hey Squirt,” A voice calls way to cheerily for this stupid’o’clock in the morning. I glance up as I see said owner of the voice rooting around in the fridge.

“Hey Kimmy.” I respond as I set my head back on the counter and wait for the life restoring coffee to be done. I hear the fridge door slam at my words. I don’t really think anything of it. Kimmy has never been particularly easy on appliances. Its not until I realize how unnaturally quite it has gone, especially with a Gibbler in the vicinity that I look up to see what is going on. Kimmy is standing by the fridge staring at me in confusion. I stare back confused by why she is confused. “What?”

“You didn’t snap at me for calling you squirt? You always snap at me when I call you squirt. Even when you had amnesia you snapped at me when I called you squirt.” She is getting a little worked up and more confused and while normally I would get annoyed instead I just feel more tired

“I know.” I say simply as I watch her. She looks like she is trying to solve some complex puzzle as she comes around the counter. Sighing I force myself to straighten up my slumped over posture and look at the girl who might as well be another older sister. “I know I do Kimmy. I feel even less like the girl you have always known then I have ever felt in my life.”

“I don’t understand.” Her voice sounds small. I’m not really sure I have ever heard her voice sound small like that.

“I don’t think I do either.” I give a half smile as put my hand lightly on Kimmy’s arm. I am careful not to leave it there for to long or give more then a friend pat really. Kimmy doesn’t always handle touches when she is confused well I have noticed over the years. “I haven’t really been feeling like the me I have always known for a while now. I’ve had this ache in my chest that makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. When the ache isn’t there I feel numb almost. Like I could walk forever in a blizzard and never feel the cold.” I try and explain not quite feeling like I am doing it right.

Kimmy tilts her head taking in her words. “That sounds horrible. I am not sure I entirely understand that level of sadness, but I do understand how emotions can overwhelm sometimes. I don’t understand the feeling of being numb to the world, but I do understand the feeling of being overwhelmed by it.” Her words are slow as she thinks about them as if trying to make sure they fit in the order they are supposed to be in. Its my turn to tilt my head in confusion and thought.

“I didn’t know you ever felt overwhelmed by anything Kimmy. You have always been so loud. It never seemed like you had much problem with moving within the world.”

“Yeah, I can see where it would seem that way. Dr. Abigail says that loudness is my way of battling the noise around me so that I don’t feel overwhelmed. She says its normal with someone with Asperger to either become to loud or to quiet when feeling overwhelmed with stimuli of the world around us.” She has this proud smile on her face as she clearly quotes what this woman says. I am nodding with her before I stop and my very tired brain rewinds to catch up with her words.

“What is Asperger?” I ask incredibly confused. I have never heard of this word or if I have I can’t quite remember what it means.

“Asperger syndrome is a condition on the autism spectrum, with generally higher functioning. People with this condition may be socially awkward and have an all-absorbing interest in specific topics.” She once again sounds like she is quoting someone as she says the words.  Like she memorized so that she could say them exactly that way in order. At my shocked face she looks at me does one of her Kimmy shrugs. “Yeah I kind of had that reaction to. At the same time having a word for it helped me make sense of it. No matter how much I would love to pretend otherwise I don’t always understand social situations well. I fake what I see others do. Most of the time this causes me to be too loud and stand out more. It is what it is. I have a psychiatrist I see Dr Abigail Cho. She helps me talk through when I feel overwhelmed. I was never meant to fit in, just stand out. I am okay with that. Why be normal like all the rest when I can be Kimmy.” She says the last part with a smile and I can’t help but smile back.

“That’s a good way to look at it.” I nod as I take in all the words that have caused me to see Kimmy in a new light. It makes sense to me now why she was never able to read dad’s tone when he said to go home. Really any number of small interactions make a lot more sense knowing what I do. “Thank you for sharing this with me Kimmy.”

“Dr Abigail says if we don’t educate people on the different things going on in our brains then how can people know what is going on. She says that some people are so stuck thinking they are the only one who reacts, thinks or feels a certain way that it makes them worse. Getting a word for what is going on in your head, what is going on with your emotions helps you realize that you are not alone. If there are words for it then that means other people feel or think that way to.”

“This Dr Abigail sounds like a smart lady.” I smile at my surrogate older sister, trying to figure out when Kimmy went from well Kimmy Gibbler to some kind of emotions guru. “Do you think…Do you think your Dr Abigail could help me?” I can’t help ask tentatively. “Can help me find words for the numbness and the tears?”

Kimmy looks thoughtful for a minute then nods. “Dr Abigail is DJ level smart. I am sure she can help you find your words just like she helped me find mine. Let me give you a call and get back to you,” She gives a nod and a smile before bouncing away. Clearly now on a mission and her juice forgotten. In and out like a whirlwind, just like that. I shake my head and for the first time in a long time I feel something a lot like hope start to stir in my chest.

“What are you smiling about Tiny?” A familiar voice calls from the door to the kitchen causing my smile to become bigger for reasons I can’t understand, reasons I don’t think I am ready to understand just yet.

“Still taller then you,” I sing song to Gia as she walks to the counter with Stephanie behind her. Her and Stephanie just give me an odd look as I get up to go see if the coffee is ready. Feeling slightly more alive then I have in a very long time. I might not be alone. There could be words to describe what is going on with me. Better yet, there could be others who feel this way who I can talk to. Others who aren’t my family to burden. That seems like something worth smiling about. Not that I am ready to tell Gia or Stephanie that. There is still a chance that I am just some sad freak who no one should bother with. Pushing that thought away in favor of the hope I turn to my sister and her best friend. Both are still looking at me, trying to figure out what is going on. I just grin bigger. “Coffee?”


End file.
